my blog

2011-01-12T14:53:00.000-08:00

Well we did it. After 12 days of stimming I had my retrieval. Things went very well this time. I responded to the meds very good. We got 13 eggs. 1 Was immature but 9 of them fertilized.That is amazing compared to last time. I'm feeling really good about it this time. The retrieval was awful this time. I am still sore but it will all be worth it in the end!! Dr shamma changed up my meds this time. I did 3 Bravelle and 3 Menopur everyday. Then Ganirelex was added because my LH began to rise, which means my body was trying to ovulate. I'm sure my E2 was well over 3000. Now I just have to wait until Sunday, Jan 16 to do the transfer. I am so EXCITED! I just feel that this is my turn!!

Giving it another try!

2010-12-23T12:44:00.000-08:00

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything, but life has just been so crazy. I already stared the process for IVF. I had my dilation done last Tuesday and everything went well. Now I am just waiting to start my stimming. Dr Shamma seems really positive with everything this time. He has made some changes to my protocol. He upped the dose of Bravelle and Menopur and added Lovenox and Methypred. The changes should help with implantation. I'm really feeling positive this time around. I love the thought of having twins. Especially since this is our last chance before we move on to adoptions. I just want to be a mom more than anything. I just pray that Everyting works out the way I want it to.

CHILDLESS NOT BY CHOICE!

2009-10-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

Infertility is a painful and frustrating experience. It brings out the worst in me. The jealousy of people who are able to become parents so quickly and easily. My bitterness of the unfair hand I have been dealt. My insecurities that it's my body that is keeping me from my heart's desire This is a journey that is so much out of my control. Will this cycle be successful or will I be lucky the next time? It has taken over my daily life, bank account, vacation and holiday plans. It breaks my heart to watch my husband play with someone else's baby and I can't give him one of our own. I'm at my wits end. How far do I take it or should I just give up. It's alway just one more time,maybe it will work this time. All I want is a family, like everyone else I see! For the record relaxing and waiting for when it's meant to happen doesn't make a difference!!!! It's frustrating when my entire life I've been able to achieve whatever I want and the one thing that I want more than anything in the world I can't have.

2009-07-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

I just found out today that work is now sending me to New York the first week in August. So the rest of the summer is definitely going to fly by. I still have to discuss with my boss about scheduling the next IVF and find out what is going to work the best with all of the changes going on at work. Hopefully I can strategically schedule my vacations to accomodate the actual retrieval and transfer. I don't forsee it being too much of a problem, they seem to be pretty flexible with everything else. I'm starting to get excited and nervous at the same time. We are getting closer to the end of the road and my biggest fear is that we will no end up with a baby. I know I shouldn't worry but that is always in the back of my mind. My weight loss is going well. So far I have lost 12 pounds. Bryan and I have been trying to get exercise in every night. The other day we went for a 10 mile walk and the day after that we took a nice bike ride. I'm hoping to get the bikes out today as long as the rain holds off.

2009-07-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

It's been pretty crazy this summer so far. So much has happened. I finally got the promotion that I've been waiting for, so that is very exciting. I already started my training and will be done by October. That should work out great with the planning of my next IVF cycle. I just have to work around the training that is out of town and strategically plan my vacation to accommodat the transfer and retrieval.

I will be going to Orlando July 22 through July 29th. It's for work, I have to help with the bank conversion. Bryan is going to fly down with me and spend most of my time there. That will be nice. Even though I have to work it will be a little time away together, just the two of us. Then in August we will be going to Canada for Trentons hockey camp. We made this out family vacation. I have a feeling that this summer is going to fly by. But that is okay with me. I just want to get to out next cycle.

I've been working hard on trying to get in shape. I've been trying to eat low carb and low sugar. It isnt' always easy but so far I've lost 10 pounds. I'm hoping for at least 15 more before we move on with the next cycle. Amazingly the change in diet has really helped with the side effects of the met. When I eat healthy there are none, so thats great. I've been trying to walk alot and last night We took the dogs for a five mile walk- they loved it. Today I'm going to take them for another walk and try to get a bike ride in.

2009-06-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've added anything new here. I just been trying to focus on getting healthy for the next IVF. I went to Dr. Shamma's about 2 weeks ago for my follow up to discuss my failed cycle. He was very positive that we will be able to get pregnant. He felt that because of the way my E2 dropped after the transfer that it wasn't a problem with implantation. Basically he told me that it's a 50/50 chance with anyone that the embryos a genetically ok and that we just fell on the wrong side of the coin toss. Sometimes embryos can look perfect and just not be right and others can not look the best and result in healthy babies. So, the gameplan is to stay on BCP for a few months to let my body recover and start a new cycle at the end of August, after all of our travel plans are done. I'm really excited for August to get here. In the meantime I am exercising more and eating low carb and low sugar. Hopefully that along with adjusting my meds I'll finally get to see 2 lines when I pee on that stick. I'm also going to look into steroids, I've heard from several women that that helped them. The only thing that makes me nervous is that he is going to start me out on a higher dose, since I was a slow responder and that increases my chance of OHHS. I have faith that he knows what he is doing and I totally trust him. I'm just trying to stay positive!!

NEGATIVE

2009-05-18T18:59:00.000-07:00

My beta was negative. I had myself prepared for a negative but what really threw me for a loop was after they drew the blood and I was ready to go I was given an envelope. I was informed it was the results about the embryos that were left over. I just took the envelope and opened it while waiting for the elevator. It stated that there were no embryos that were cryopreserved. My heart just sunk to the floor. How could this happen!! I just don't understand why all of this is happening to me. Once again I've been cheated. I am robbed of the opportunity for an FET!! I got in the car and drove to work in a daze. I still remember calling Bryan and all I could say was that life just shit on us again. I couldn't get anything else out and started to cry. I knew in my heart that it was going to be a negative beta, but I wasn't expecting the cryopreservation results. I cried when I first got to work but was able to keep my composure until the end of the day when I got the official results of a BFN. Where do I go from here? Will I ever be a mom?

One More Day Until My Beta

2009-05-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

I'ts hard to believe that there is only one more day until my beta. The 2 week wait has flown by so fast. I have felt crampy on and off. I have felt some twinges near the area where the embryos were placed. Today my boobs felt a little heavy and tingly. Yesterday, Penny at work told me that my boobs were much bigger. I guess I never realized it until she mentioned it. That does explain why my bra felt funny the other day, it was too small.LOL I try really hard not to put too much into any of the symptoms because the could just be a result from all of the injections that I have been putting into my body. I have resisted the urge to POAS. I'm just afraid that it won't give me the results that I'm hoping for. I want to at least be able to entertain the thought of being pregnant for one more day. I had a really big scare the other day, my E2 and P4 levels dropped but Dr. Shamma increased my meds and got them back on track. Luckily they never dropped too low to cause any harm. I go for my beta tomorrow morning. I am just a jumble of emotions right now! I am scared, anxious, nervous and excited all at the same time. Hopefully tomorrow I will get an anniversay gift that would be priceless, a POSITIVE test!!!

Transfer

2009-05-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

Here are pictures of the "perfect" embryos that were transfered on April 31,2009. There are also 3 more that are frozen for later. I just pray that they implant and become my beautiful babies. The little white dot on the left in the first photo is where the were placed in my uterus. I am very excited but nervous at the same time. It's hard to believe that this may be finally be it. It's been three long years on this emotional rollercoasters. Now I just have to wait for 2 weeks. My beta will be on May 13th, which is my 3rd anniversay. I just pray that it will be good news. I want this more than anything that I've wanted before. I don't know what I will do if this doesn't work.

I am finally there!!

2009-04-28T17:08:00.000-07:00

After 15 days of stimming I finally got to go for the retrieval. I was so excited but nervous at the same time. Now that I was finally there all kinds of fear crossed my mind, what if he is unable to retrieve them because of my ovaries being too high, what if he gets them but they aren't any good. There are so many things that could go wrong and I think that I thought of them all. While I was waiting for them to take me into the room where the retrieval is done, Dr. Shamma came in to see me. I really like him. I wish I could stay with him forever. He has a great bedside manner and I completely trust whatever he tells me. I know that he will do whatever is best for me.

Once the retrieval was done I felt okay. There was some pressure but the pain was minimal. Luckily there was really no bleeding either. Dr. Shamma told Bryan that the retrieval was very difficult since my ovaries were positioned very high. He was able to get 9 eggs and a few smaller ones but wasn't sure if they were going to be big enough. Now I just had to wait till tomorrow for the fertilization results. I was so nervous.

The results game back great. Two of them were immature but 5 of the remaining fertilized. My transfer will be done on Thursday which will be a 4 day transfer. I am so excited!! I can't wait to see how they are graded and how many he wants to transfer. Hopefully they all do well and I will have some to freeze for an FET. Hopefully I get pregnant this time and I can do FET later for another baby in a few years. I guess only time will tell.

LOST OVARIES FOUND AND I'M STILL IN THE GAME!!

2009-04-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

Monday finally got here after a very long and stressful weekend. I didn't do too much, I just hung around the house and felt sorry for myself and cried. I woke of in the morning and really didn't want to go to the dr's. I just had a really bad feeling that I wasn't going to get the news I was hoping for. Once Dr. Shamma finally got there he did the US and luckily after some very painful pushing he was able to find my right ovary and there were some follicles on them!!! They measured 17,15 and 12. I am so excited. They were hoping for more but at least there were some there. He pushed on me some more looking for the left one but he decided to stop "torturing" me. I feel good because on friday the nurse had found them and said there were follicles on it. The dr said my ovaries are positioned very high and thats why they were having such a problem finding them. My bloodwork came back and it was ok and they decided to keep it the same. Oh, I can't wait for tomorrow!!! My belly feels bloated and I can definitely tell where my ovaries are, so I guess thats a good thing since I'm on day 12 of stimming. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed for more good news tomorrow.

Trying to coast on by

2009-04-21T17:41:00.001-07:00

I went to my appt on Friday and they told me my E2 has dropped which was not good. They were unable to find my ovaries once again. What the heck is going on, I know they are in there somewhere. After alot of pushing on my belly she was able to find the left one. There were some follicles but she was unable to measure them. Now I have to wait around all weekend not knowing if this cycle is going to get cancelled or not. For some reason I have a really bad feeling. Monday morning can't get here soon enough!! My meds have been increased and now I take the bravelle(300 IU in the am) and menopur(225IU in the pm). My belly is getting a little bruised but it doesn't hurt too bad at this point.

FRUSTRATED

2009-04-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

I am so frustrated!!! I went for my second US and bloodwork. Since I've been stimming for 5 days they expected to see follicles that measured 8-10. They couldn't find anything, not even my ovaries. The nurse said not to worry because I am on a very low dose and that I probably just need a larger one and will have to stim a little longer. It's just so frustrating to be doing it for that many days and see no progress. Once again I put on my fake happy face and pretend I'm okay with it when I really just want to scream. Why can't I just have one time when my body doesn't fail me!!! Now I'm going to have to screw around with ordering more meds and spending more money. One a good note, luckily my insurance covers most of it, but the copays add up. She said my lining measured at 5.5 which is where they want to see that. Now I just have to wait for the bloodwork to comeback, that should give a better picture of what is going on. She did say that it looks like my ovaries are lying behind my cervix and that could be why they are having so much trouble. This afternoon can't get here soon enough. I'm a good person and I don't do bad things, why is this happening to me???? Life is just not fair!

I did it!!

2009-04-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

Today I went for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. I was really kinda grossed out when they did the vaginal ultrasound while I was on my period. I just don't know how those dr's and nurses do it. YUCK!! Anyhow, it was kinda funny because when she was doing the ultrasound she was having a really hard time finding my ovaries(because they are so small this early in the cycle). I just laughed to myself and thought, maybe thats been my problem all along. LOL Eventually they were located, which I knew would happen. It's not like they just got up an walked away. Everything looked good and my bloodwork came back normal. I was given the go ahead to start my injectibles tonight. YEAH

As it got closer to 8pm it started to hit me that I was actually going to have to stick a needle into myself. I got a little nervous, so I just got out the paperwork and read all the instructions. I started to second guess myself on how to do everything. I decided to go to the Ferring webside and watched a demonstration of how to mix everything. At this point I was just afraid that I would screw something up with the expensive meds. I finally got everything mixed and had the syringe ready to go. I just lifted my shirt, pinched some skin and stood there needle against my skin. I just stood there for a second anticipating the poke then looked down; I already inserted the needle and didn't even feel it. That wasn't so bad at all!! I just stood there and laughed at myself for being so hesitant. Six months ago, the thought of injecting myself scared the hell out of me and I just did it!! Maybe this won't be so bad.

It wasn't so bad!!

2009-04-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

I went and had my cervical dilitation yesterday. The procedure itself wasn't bad at all. From what I understand Dr. shamma inserted a thin, smooth metal rod gently into the vagina and up into the tiny cervical opening. The rod is briefly left in place, taken out, and replaced by a slightly larger rod. This process is repeated until the cervix is wide enough to allow for the implants to be put in place. This will make it easier for him to do the acutual IVF transfer. I felt fine afterwards just very tired from the anethesia. The worst part of it all was when I has to put the vaginal suppositories (cytotek)in the night before. It caused horrible cramping that lasted the entire evening and most of the following day. Other than that it was a piece of cake. Now I'm just waiting for my period to start so I can get my baseline BW done. It's hard to believe thats its not that much longer.

It's official, I'm on my way!!!

2009-04-01T10:08:00.000-07:00

Well it's official, I have started my injections. I went to the dr's today and was shown how to mix and inject all of these medications. It's really not as bad as I expected. I got my Lupron Depot shot today. The nurse said that this would be one of the worst to deal with. It wasn't bad at all. I only felt a little prick. Bryan was a little unsure about it all but I'm confident that he will be just fine. I remember 6 months ago the thought of doing the injectibles scared the crap out of me and now my attitude has completely changed. I feel that I can do this. It really helps that my Dr's office is GREAT!!! I have absolutely no complaints. The staff there is so nice and helpful. As of right now my cervical dilitation is scheduled for April 7th and my baseline bloodwork will be done that day as well. This whole thing is starting to go so fast. I will probably start my other injections on the 10th. Wow, this is definitely an experience. I was told that the actual retrieval will be done the week of the 19th; thats only 3 weeks away. I still remember that I was crushed when I was having problems with healthplus back in August and finally threw in the towell. I was frusrated and angry. I felt like I was never going to get the ball rolling and get pregnant. I felt like January was forever away before I could change insurance to Blue Cross Blue Shield Empire, which by the way is a godsend with all of the IVF coverage that I have. It sounds as if Dr. Shamma is going to let me put in 3 embies because of my age. It goes back to the triplet thing!! It was kinda funny when we were sitting in the office waiting for out appt. today; there on the table was a magazine about multiples. Bryan looked at it and started laughing. I just laughed and told him it was a sign. I like to tease him about it but I know the possibility of that happening is slim. But I do understand that it is possible. The crazy thing is that I am okay with it. I feel that I have waited so long to be a mom that I am willing to take on anything. I just pray every night that God gives me this one thing that I have always wanted.

IT'S A SIGN!?!?!?!?

2009-03-31T18:32:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that tomorrow I am officially starting the IVF procedure!! I get my Lupron shot and will go over my schedule for everything else. I've been off of work this week and I have been watching the tv show "Baby Story" everyday. Over the past few days most of them were about women who had triplets. I like to tease my husband that we are going to have three. I've been having dreams that I am pregnant with triplets. Just the other week I was talking to a co-worker and she told me that my old boss called her the other day and told her she had a dream that I was going to have triplets!!! It got me thinking that about8 years ago, I had gone to a psychic. It was just for fun but she did tell me that I was going to marry a man named Bryan and have 3 children. How funny is that!!! I didn't meet my husband, Bryan until 3 years later! Oops, there we go another 3!!

What Nobody Ever Told Me About TTC

2009-03-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

-That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to preganancy.

-That I would see my gyno more than my husband at O time.

-That my sex life would resemble a science experiment.

- That the longer I try to concieve the more pregnant women spring up around me.

-That deep down inside, I can be a VERY JEALOUS person.

-That I should have gone to medical school, since I've done extensive medical research to be an
MD.

-That living my life in 2 week increments would be the norm.

-That simply relaxing won't get me pregnant and no everything doesn't happen for a reason.

- That doing everything right doesn't guarentee positive results.

-That one day my husband would know so much about my uterus functions and what it looks
like from the inside.

-That pregnancy doesn't alway equal a baby.

-That miscarriage is common.

-That I would wish that I would have started TTC earlier.

-That my friends pregnancies would make me sad, not happy like it used to.

- That I would be willing to stab myself in the stomach and butt everyday in the hopes that it
will get me pregnant.

-That it wouldn't happen the first time I didn't use birth control as I was led to believe in school.

-That I wouln't know how important a baby was to me until it took so long and I realized I would
do anything to make it happen.

- That my husband is a wonderful and caring man.

-That it is insensitive to aske people when they are going to have a baby.

-That women who do get pregnant are truly blessed.

-That I would be excited to see abundant cervical fluid and tell my husband about it.

-That other people's "good news" of pregnancy made me sad and when they told me they had
good news, I hope that they say the saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico.

-That medicine and procedures are not a surefire way to get pregnant, just a surefire way to
drain my bank account.

-That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.

-That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone elses baby because it hurts too much.

-The my husband would get used to doing his"thing" into a plastic cup.

-That one day all of this will make me a stronger person.

-That there is sometimes darkness(infertility) before the light(baby).

-That most people only think they know how I feel.

-That my faith in God would be tested heavily.

-That there is nothing in the water at work that will help me conceive.

-That I would be glad to know that I have PCOS, at least I know what is wrong with me.

-That I would spend so much time trying to figure out what my body is or isn't doing.

-That forelplay would consist of my husband asking me if I got a positive on the OPK.

-That some people just say the wrong things.

-That I would discuss my infertility and cycles with my male boss and feel totally comfortable.

-That sex would become a chore and was no longer fun.

-That I would resent someone who has been TTCfor 3 months who says the know how I feel.

-That I would be so sad and ashamed.

-That when my period started, I would feel like a failure.

-That friendship with my best friend would suffer because she was able to get pregnant after
being off the pill for only 3 weeks.

-That this would be by far one on the hardest things I would ever go through.

-That I would have sex even when I didn't want to, because the OPK was positive.

-That people would pity and feel sorry for me.

-That I would stop dreaming about having a baby because I no longer makes me happy, only
sad.

-That people would try to hide their pregnancies to keep me from getting upset.

-That I would feel like my body was betraying me.

-That infertility is an emotional rollercoaster, with more lows that highs.

FRUSTRATED

2009-03-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

I just got some of the meds for the IVF. I knew there was going to be alot, but I guess when you actually see them it seems kinda intimidating. I felt ok with the injections until now. Now I'm nervous to say the least. I just keep telling myself it will all be worth it in the end. It feels good to know that we are actively doing something to to have a baby. I'm starting to get scared and question what am I going to do if this doesn't work!!! This is the one thing that I have always known that I wanted in life. I feel like I have been cheated in life so many times. Why does this have to be another problem to deal with. It's frustrating, especially when I see so many people who don't take care of their children or just take them for granted. Octo-mom infuriates me. I understand that it is her life and her children, but how can she possibly take care of all of those children and give them the love that they need. I feel this was just a publicity stunt so she could get a book or tv deal. What has me confused is where did she get the money for all the IVF. From what I understand she doesn't even have a job. Shame on the doctor who did this for her!!! So once again, how is it that a piece of garbage like her is allowed to have to many children and I can't even have one!?!?!?!? I'm just frustrated and pissed off right now!!

MEMORIES

2009-03-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

I went to our other house yesterday to work on a few of the things that need to be done before we put the house on the market. We've been out of the house for about 8 months now and I walked around the inside and it brought back all kinds of memories. The hardest one was when I went into the room that I planned on being a nursery. It was sad to think about all of the ideas that I had in my head for this room, when we bought the house 4 years ago that I never got to do. I often catch myself doing this with the room that will be a nursery at our current home. Hopefully we will be able to put those plans into motion soon. Another memory that kinda made me laugh was when Bryan and I were not able to agree about the floors in the living room. I wanted to go with hardwood and he wanted carpet. One of his arguements was that he didn't want me to fall down the stairs when I was pregnant and to land on the HARD floor!! LOL Ultimately I won the battle, as I usually do! He doesn't know it yet but I plan on putting pergo down in the family,livingroom and downstairs bedrooms, when we get the chance to do so. Another memory is about our nosey neighbor Lee. He seems to think that he needs to report everything that goes on in the neighborhood to the other nosey neighbor, we like to call MOO MOO. Those two would sit on the porch every night and discuss their thoughts on everything that went on with everyone on our street. I honestly don't think that the knew we could hear all of their discussions. Anyhow, one night Bryan and I were sitting in the livingroom, which has a huge window that faces directly in front of them, and they were at it again. Bryan jumped up and called out "Hey Lee, kiss my ass!" and bent over and mooned him. I thought I was going to pee my pants!!! Needless to say, they played a huge factor in the reason we moved. Life is crazy sometimes. It's funny to think that one minute a memory can make you sad and the next you want to roll around on the ground laughing!!

HOPEFUL BUT NERVOUS

2009-03-10T18:54:00.000-07:00

This has been a confusing week for me. One day I feel very excited about doing IVF and the next day I have myself convinced that it just won't work and we are wasting our money. I want to stay positive, but am scared to get my hopes up. I just can't imagine how I will react if it doesn't work. Right now I am able to look at it with the possibility that there still is a chance for us to have a baby. What happens if it doesn't work? We will be at the end of the road when it comes to TTC. I know that there are other options out there for us to be parents, but I feel like I am a failure and am letting my husband down. I am used to succeeding in whatever I do and this is hard because the ultimate control and outcome is out of my hands. I am fortunate enough that my sister has offered to carry a baby for us if it comes to that point, but what if she has the same problems or changes her mind?!?! I know that I will be a mom someday, but when?? I just feel like today just isn't a good day for me. I pray every night for God to let this happen!! This is all I wan't and it is starting to consume me. Hopefully in a month or so I will look back on this and laugh, lets just hope I do!! I just scheduled my hysterosonogram for March 23. I think that this might be what has set me off. I'm just afraid that they will find somethin wrong. I am trying to look at the bright side but it is hard at times. The other night I had a dream that I had triplets and just the other day a co-worker said she had a dream that I had triplets too. Maybe this is a sign of good things to come!!! I JUST NEED TO STAY POSITIVE!!

Dominic

2009-03-07T22:35:00.001-08:00

Dominic is the child with a heart of gold!! He is definitely a people pleaser. I absolutely love that he is always willing to help out with anything, especially when it comes to using any of his dad's tools. I wish that we had more time to hang out one on one. Every other weekend just doesn't cut it. Hopefully when he gets a little older he will be allowed to come over more, like Trenton does. I am so excited that he has really developed his hockey skills this year. This kid has some real potential. I can definitely see him being one of the key players on the Nouvel hockey team. It's been great watching him grow up. I just can't believe that he is taller than me, he's only 13!!!

Trenton

2009-03-07T22:11:00.001-08:00

Trenton!!! What can I say, he makes me laugh. This is the one that has is dads personality. It's hard to believe that he's in highschool. I remember when I first met his dad, he was just a little boy in elementary who loved to play. It's amazing how much he's grown. I don't know what I would do without him and his sarcasm. No matter what he does wrong, I can't stay mad at him for long!!! His first love is hockey. He is our "little goalie", it's an inside joke! I love watching him play. Next year will be so exciting when he starts playing on the Nouvel hockey team. I know that he can't wait for that.

Hannah

2009-03-07T22:00:00.000-08:00

Hannah is my girl!! I just wish she were my own daughter!! I guess being a niece will have to do. We have had so many good times. It's been incredible watching her grow up into such a beautiful young women!! She is definitlely the life of the party and a drama queen, and she knows it. I can only imagine the trouble she is going to get Trenton into, they have a great time together. I know I can always count on Hannah to do anything I ask of her. I just wish more people would appreciate her the way I do. I can't wait to see her go to highschool next year. It will be so fun watching her go to prom and all of that silly highschool stuff. I'll never forget when she was only six years old and said she couldn't wait to be a teenager!! That time has come and I think that she is enjoying every minute of it!!

Where it all began!

2009-02-28T16:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, where do I start? I am Michelle Miller and I am 36 years old. I have been married to my wonderful husband Bryan, since May 5, 2006. I have 2 stepsons; Trenton 15, and Dominic 13. We have been TTC since we were married. It has been especially difficult being that I have PCOS and there are Male Factors as well(he had a vasectomy reversal causing a lower sperm count). I would have never guessed, that TTC would be such an emotional rollercoater!! I figure this is a great place to share my story, joys, hopes and frustrations.

I have always known that I wanted to be a mom, I just never thought that it would be so trying, to become one. It has changed me completly as a person. I used to live for going out and having a good time but I rarely even consider doing so anymore. My friends, family, even my husband have said that I have done a total 360 with my personality. TTC has been a very humbling experience. The things that I once took for granted are now more important than ever! I know that before I began this journey, I thought that I understood infertility. I could have never been so wrong in my entire life. In my opinion infertility is only understood by people who are going through it. I remember working with a few girls that were dealing with infertility and just couldn't understand why they would get so upset and obsessed with getting pregnant. Now that I am in their shoes, I understand it completely!!

Bryan had his vasectomy reversal in June of 2006 and we started TTC shortly after. I can still remember the night that we had the go ahead from the doctor to have sex, afterwards Bryan looked and me and said "Wow, we could be pregnant real soon! I was so excited. Then month after month, nothing ever happened. I went to my family physician to discuss our options and he didn't take it too seriously. He just put me on 500 mg of Metformin and sent me on my way. We were excited once again at the thought of having a baby together, after all we were taking medication to help us get pregnant; so it had to happen. Once again we were wrong. After six months of trying to start our family, I decided to switch doctors and began seeing my husbands family physician. After I met with him, he increased my dosage of the Met to 1000 mg a day and said to let him know if nothing happened in the next three months. I was disappointed that he didn't refer me to a fertility specialist. After all I was 34 and it had already been a year since we started TTC. I went home and pretended to be optimistic in front of Bryan and everyone else, but I knew deep down it wasn't going to work. Three months later, NOTHING!! I finally had the approval to go see my fertility specialist, Dr. Fettinger.

Now it's August 30, 2006, my first appointment!! Yeah, now I was excited. The first thing they did was increase my Met to 1500 mg and added clomid to the mix. Not to mention the provera to jumpstart my period. Amazingly I started to get them like clockwork! Now the next feat would be to get me ovulating, which I was not doing. I am now an addict of POAS (Peeing on a stick)!! Dr. Fettinger's office said that once they could get me to ovulate, we would do an intrauterine insemination. I finally felt like someone was actually trying to help me become a mom!! Now it's January, I think I finally ovulated but didn't realize it until it was too late. That was disappointing, but okay. I was now optimistic once again. Feburary 24, I finally got a positive on my OPK, I couldn't believe it, it was clear as ever, I called the Dr and scheduled my first IUI. This was the most excited that I had ever been!! Wow, I think it might finally happen. I was surprised as how non-invasive the whole procedure was. It didn't hurt at all and was very quick. I expected it to be much more than what it was and I was okay with that!! After doing the IUI the nurse told me to lay down for 15 minutes and that the next time she saw me, I better be pregnant. Now it's March 8, 2008 ...my period was late. Oh my God, I might be pregnant!!! I went for a pregnancy test but the results wouldn't be in until monday morning. I had to wait all weeked to find out. It seemed like forever!!! I set my alarm so I could call as soon as the lab was open, to get my results. I dialed the phone, my hands were shaking with anticipation. The test was negative!!! I instantly broke into tears, I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep. Why was this happening to me. I would be a great mom. I often heard that from everyone!! Bryan called me later to find out the test results and I told him it didn't work. I pretend that I was okay with it, but I was falling apart inside and he sounded so disappointed. What was I going to tell everyone. I was so open with everything I was doing. That was definitely my first mistake. After a while you get sick and tired of everyone asking you if you were pregnant yet. The worst thing for me was to hear "Relax and it will happen, everything happens for a reason." If I hear that one more time I think I will SCREAM!!! No, relaxing won't make it happen. I know that people are just trying to be understanding, but they don't have a clue!

Now it's May 2, 2008 and we just had our second IUI-Negative. June 4,2008 we just had our third IUI-Negative. July 7,2008 our fourth IUI-Negative. I'm am ready to just give up!! The Dr. finally decided to move on and try doing an IUI with injectibles. I was somewhat hopeful since we were going to try something new!! To my disappointment, Healthplus decides that it was not going to cover anything fertility related for me. I just didn't understand. My contract with them said it covered fertility services up to $20,000 per lifetime, and I hadn't even come close to that. Every time I tried to get an answer, not one person was able to tell me any legitimate reason why. I did however get some very conflicting answers from Healthplus as to why my coverage had ended; none of them made any sense though. Eventually, I was told that the reason was due to the fact that I had 4 IUI's and after that coverage ended. That's odd, my contract never stated that. I was furious to say the least!!!! Why was all of this happening to me?

After several months of arguing with the insurance company they were never able to show me in writing their policy that ended my coverage and the only thing I could do was to put in an appeal about the situation. One week later they determined they would allow me to have one more IUI, but that was the only thing they would cover. Nothing else fertility related would be covered; no tests, drugs, etc. Here is the kicker on the entire situation; they approved for me to have another IUI, but it had to be done between August 30th of 2007 and August 30th of 2008. What a joke, it was October 2008!!! I guess the only way I can have it done was if I had a time machine!!! This was so unfair. How an I supposed to know "standard protocol", as they would call it. Heck, even their employees didn't even know! I felt furious, frustrated and hopeless!!

I gave up on Healthplus and TTC, for the rest of the year. I just couldn't take anymore! Once January rolled around, I switched to BCBS-Empire. I was ready to try again, and they even have IVF coverage. Finally something was going my way!!!I called and made my appointment with Dr. Shamma.